My husband and I just returned from a five day vacation at Black Butte Ranch in Central Oregon, and oh my, was it gorgeous! It was around 73 degrees every day, clear blue sky with a few clouds, crystal clear view of the snowy mountains and green, green pastures. Every time I go there during the summer I want to spin around in my apron singing, “The hiiills are aliiiiiive with the sound of musiiiic!”. I just help but feel so calm and relaxed there, like nothing could go wrong.
But something happened half way through our trip that totally disturbed our peace and serenity. I noticed that the roots of my hair started hurting like heck (like when you have bad bed head and try to comb your hair the opposite direction). Then it started hurting even worse. Then, I noticed that my leg hair looked patchy. “No, it can’t be!” I thought to myself. “Not yet!”. Sure enough, I woke up yesterday morning to find my white pillow covered in hair, like a lab puppy was sleeping on it all night. My hair loss has started must sooner than I expected – and on our vacation no less! Really?? If I were to lose my hair at all, I thought it would be after my second chemotherapy treatment coming up this week, just like last time. Well that settles that. I’m definitely going to lose my hair again, and it’s ready to come out NOW. I am literally pulling clumps out while I’m writing this. The first thing that pops into my mind is that I am dreading taking a shower in the morning, because if I try to shampoo then I end up with hands full of hair. But if I don’t shampoo then I feel icky! And the hair gets EVERY WHERE – in the bed, on my clothes, in my food … Lol, could you imagine me telling my waiter that I found a tuft of hair in my food? Just kidding!!
My wig collection was tossed out with the trash during our recent move (they were tattered in anyways since I haven’t used them in months). I rushed ordered a wig today, but I don’t think it will come until next week. And I don’t know how much longer I can go without just shaving it all off (I’m giving my husband the honor again); if it’s going, I just want it gone! The only thing stopping me is the Father’s Day Champagne Brunch this Sunday at a local restaurant with my family. I love hanging out with my family, and I love my Champagne!! But I don’t want to be a baldy wearing a baseball cap to BRUNCH, and I don’t want to wear a scarf because I’m not really a scarf kind of girl. But, I don’t want hair falling into my scramble eggs either. What to do! Not to mention trying to emotionally prepare for being a baldy for most of the summer. It’s not even the weekend yet and I have all sorts of problems. What the heck!!
Well, anytime I run into problems that I can’t solve on my own I try to focus on the positive and think of my favorite things in life. Hmmm … sort of like that song from The Sound of Music? “Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels/Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles/Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings/These are a few of my favorite things”. That is my favorite line. You know the rest, you get the idea! I think of bright pink peonies, a French chateaux, a glass of fancy Champagne with macaron cookies, horses ready for me to ride, frilly dresses, shoes, little blue boxes with white bows … there are so many things that make me feel warm and fuzzy, I can almost forget about my hair problems! I just have to focus on things that make me smile so I can get through this transition. Once I’m bald, it’s only uphill from there. “You can take my hair, but you can’t take my dignity!!” And as another cancer buddy pointed out, at least this means that the chemo is working.
I’m actually kind of relieved that it’s all happening now. Losing my hair was the last thing I was waiting on, and I know I know what to expect. No more surprises, and only 4 weeks left of treatment. Let’s get this show on the road! Last time while my hair fell out I listened to Lady Gaga, and this time around I’m listening to Katy Perry’s “Part of Me”. I’m pretty sure it’s about breaking up with a boyfriend, but it could be about cancer too! My fabulous nurse played Katy Perry songs during my internal radiation treatments, so Katy has gotten me through a lot of crap these past few months. (Que random memory of listening to “Teenage Dream” while my radiation oncologist was setting me up for treatment: “Who is this? Should I know who this is? Is this a popular song?” He was the sweetest!).
Well friends, next time I write on this blog I will be bald and beautiful! It was humbling the first time around, and now I am totally redefined. I am not who I am because of what’s on the outside; I am a pillar of strength stemming from the inside! And a life-threatening disease is not enough to bring me down.
Stay positive, and lots of love! Happy Father’s Day weekend!
Pictures from our trip:
Here are a few of my favorite things:
This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no/This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no/Throw your sticks and stones, Throw your bombs and your blows, But you’re not gonna break my soul/This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no.